By C. L. Martin
PARENTING IS HARD!
It's an adventure that is not for the faint of heart. Dirty diapers and snotty noses actually
make up a small part of what it means to be a parent.
Raising another human being brings with it a whole host of responsibilities like providing food, shelter, and safety. Beyond the basics, it's important to also know how to effectively teach, communicate, and nurture a child.
NOW ADD A SECOND OR THIRD CHILD!
If you are anything like me then you know the struggle of trying to use one parenting style for your children. Every child is different.
Like adults, they all have different personalities, thoughts, feelings, and learning styles. It would be logical to have a different parenting style for each child as no two children are going to grow and develop the same.
Trying to mold each of your children to be the same is impossible. It causes unneeded stress on parents and children alike, as well as causing strain on relationships. The first step to creating a more effective parenting style is to decide where you fall within the style guide.
THE FOUR BASIC PARENTING STYLES!
While the world is changing and "New" parenting styles are emerging every day most experts, therapists, and doctors use the four basic groupings to conduct their studies and base their findings on.
Authoritative parenting: Gentle parenting
Authoritarian parenting: Strict parenting
Permissive parenting: Indulgent parenting
Neglectful parenting: Uninvolved parenting
AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING
Parents that use an Authoritative (gentle) parenting style work hard on building positive relationships with their children. They explain the reasoning behind rules and expectations and enforce rules while taking their child's feelings and opinions into consideration.
In the end though they do enforce rules and choose to use positive reinforcement rather than dole out consequences for negative actions. Time and effort are, dedicated to teaching children to behave ideally preventing negative behavior before it starts.
Children who are raised with this parenting style ideally become more responsible adults. They seem to feel more comfortable expressing their opinions and have a higher level of self-confidence
AUTHORITARIAN PARENTING:
Parents that use the authoritarian parenting approach tend to believe that kids should fallow rules without question and no negotiation. Allowing children to be involved in problem-solving is often overlooked.
Sometimes, parents that use this style will make children feel guilty for mistakes instead of teaching them how to make better choices.
The thought process that it takes too long to teach or there isn't time are common explanations for this style of parenting.
Kids who are raised with this parenting style run a higher risk of developing self-esteem issues, can become aggressive or hostile, and may choose to focus on the anger they feel for their parents than on making better decisions. They also tend to become overly developed liars because they fear harsh negative consequences.
PERMISSIVE PARENTING:
These parents tend to have more of an 'I'm your friend' style of parenting. While they may set rules and consequences for bad decisions they don't often follow through with their threats. The thought process is that children will learn more on their own from their mistakes rather than with interference from parents.
The concept of 'kids will be kids' is the basis of this parenting style. Fear of conflict may lead to more lenient consequences or the return of privileges if the child tries to negotiate or beg. This gives a sense of control to the child which can create an imbalance in the parent/child relationship.
Children that grow up in this kind of environment have more potential to struggle academically and may not have a healthy respect for authority. There's a higher risk for the development of low self-esteem and other mental and physical health problems.
UNINVOLVED PARENTING:
This parenting style is tricky because it's not always intentional!
The neglectful parenting style may be a result of a lack of knowledge from the parents. This could be said about any parenting style.
That is how they were raised, and they don't know any different. Families that struggle financially or with health and life situations may also fall into this kind of parenting style. Time and energy must be dedicated to other areas and there isn't always enough time in the day.
Single parents may also discover that this tends to be their parenting style for many reasons. Trying to do the work of both parents while supporting a family (often with two or even three jobs) creates an uninvolved environment due to life circumstances.
Some parents choose not to be as involved. They don't ask about their child's life or keep track of their comings and goings, and don't spend much time with their children. Along with being absent, little guidance on navigating life is given, and they are rarely nurturing. They expect their children to raise themselves.
Growing up this way has a higher potential for children to develop mental illnesses or are more susceptible to stress. While they may be more independent, they also may struggle with relationships and are at high risk for drug and alcohol abuse.
All aspects of each of these parenting styles should be kept in mind when you are trying to decide how best to approach a parenting task. Remember that each child is different so when you're raising more than one your approach may work for one child but not another.
MY PARENTING STYLE WORKS FOR ONE CHILD BUT NOT THE OTHER!
My Kids Are So Different!
Even though they are sisters they each have unique personalities and emotional capacities. They each have their own struggles and handle conflict and problems differently.
My oldest is dedicated to her sports and studies. She is diligent about her responsibilities and has an active social life. She is analytical and structured and needs little guidance where decision-making is concerned. Her ability to make good decisions is sound and if she has a problem she doesn't know how to handle she will ask.
My middle daughter is kindhearted. She struggles a little socially but is smart with her studies. She struggles greatly to get herself started on a project and gets distracted so needs a bit more guidance. I check in often to make sure that she is staying on task.
As she is my thinker she will take much longer than necessary to make basic decisions. I often sit with her and explain situations to her and help her walk through the decision-making process. She tends to keep her feelings to herself until she can't contain them anymore and then will face her struggles.
My youngest is the hardest for me to work with because she is my warrior. More often than not she will act before she thinks about the consequences. She is so kind and sweet, but she has a strong sense of justice. When she feels she has been wronged she will exact revenge in negative ways.
Her stubborn streak makes it hard to help her learn how to positively manage and act on her emotions. Like my oldest she is diligent with her schoolwork and needs little guidance but struggles with her chores like keeping her space clean and putting her belongings away.
Because each of my children are so different for years I have struggled to find a parenting style that works for them collectively. It wasn't until I started to watch how I was interacting with them that I discovered I was parenting them in the way that I wished I had been when I was a kid. What would have worked for best for me.
You Have To Parent For Them Not For You!
It's so easy to apply a parenting style that works for you, your busy adult life, and your goals. It can be hard to remember raising children is about them. What they need, what they are struggling with and what they can manage on their own. As parents, it's our responsibility to help them grow into well-rounded/functioning adults.
A child's brain cannot fully process and check situations in the same manner as an adult. The prefrontal cortex which handles decision-making isn't fully developed until the mid 20s. What works for us as adults may work for kids sometimes, but it should not be the basis of a parenting style.
How Do I Parent Each Child Effectively Then?
You have to be flexible!
Experts may say that parents fall into one of the four groups but for me one parenting style has never worked. I have found that by trying to cram my parenting style and my children's need into one limited category nothing but frustration and strained relationships fallowed.
While doing the research for this blog I found myself thinking more and more about how effective parenting may need to be a combination of all the categories. Each Category has its positive aspects and by drawing on those a whole parenting tactic could be melded together. By doing this I can build a style for each child.
WHAT WILL MY STYLE LOOKS LIKE!
Being more aware of my own short comings when it comes to parenting, I have been able to better understand what I need to work on and how I will approach parenting in the future. I want to draw from all the positive aspects from the different kinds of parenting. The basis of my style will be an Authoritative view.
I want to be able to build a more positive relationships with my children including a reasonable amount of respect and consideration. The thought that children should be involved in problem solving is appealing to me because it provides a safe structured place for children to learn this important life skill.
While I may base my parenting on the gentler approach, I want to be able to also give them with the structure they need to learn right from wrong and that there are consequences for every action. Some good and some bad.
While we do make a point to make sure we praise the positive behaviors, we do have negative consequences for the more important broken rules. Each of the consequences are determined on a base to base case.
As mentioned earlier, each child's needs are different and this is where a majority of my parenting style is going to be adjusted.
While my Oldest daughter thrives with a more hands off approach, my middle child needs gentle supervision of tasks and reminders of her schedule. Because she has a more laid-back personality a soothing parenting style works better for her. My youngest will need a bit more of a firm parenting style with explicit expectations and consequences when expectations are overlooked.
The blend of Authoritative and Authoritarian parenting style draws on the positives from both.
The respect for others and the understanding of consequences is from the authoritarian style.
The respect, consideration, and positive enforcement come from the authoritative style.
The more hands-off approach may seem like the neglectful style, but we view it as respect of space and abilities and have open discussions as a family about our thoughts on it. We still check in everyday asking about life and school and make ourselves available to help when needed.
The gentleness that we try to put in place could be viewed as a more permissive style, but with the gentle firmness that is from the authoritative style. You can still be a kind gentle parent while making your wishes and expectations known in an unmistakably firm manner.
Blending the different aspects together hopefully will create a more rounded and adjustable style for each of our children.
WHERE SHOULD YOU GO FROM HERE?
If you decided to move forward and adjust your parenting style, I have one last thought to keep in mind.
Only you can decide what works best for you and your children!
All the experts in the world, grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends and other parents can give you advice but you know your family and your child. No one else lives your life and faces your unique challenges.
No child has your child's exact personality, and no family has your family's exact dynamic. Don't get discouraged if your style isn't explicitly "Right". Parenting right is subjective.
If you take nothing more from my experiences than a better sense of self-awareness that you apply to your parenting, you are already doing much more to benefit your child/children and family than you were before.
For great parenting hacks, funny parenting stories, ideas for fun activities, and more visit my parenting forum and see what other parents are saying.
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